Being pregnant is an amazing thing. I'm totally in awe daily of what is going on inside my body. What is growing, moving, living and doing something unexplainable every day. Being a mommy is such a humbling experience. the little lives that God has trusted me with sometimes is very overwhelming. the range of emotions and highs and lows sometimes leave me thinking, "should i be diagnosed with some sort of psychological problem??"
well, i feel like this this morning, i just can't keep it all together. As surrounded as i am by life and completely filled and constantly feeling another life with me, I still feel completely alone. Maybe i do need that diagnosis....
Matt has started an online business that has a tremendous amount of potential but I wonder most days about how we're going to feed our kids in the short term. How is rent going to be paid. So, usually, on most days, I worry and work my tail off- teaching 2 yr. olds, working a medical billing job, teaching piano lessons, helping to lead worship at a church, cooking, cleaning, doing all the laundry, attempting to pay the bills, wiping butts, giving baths, purging out stuff to organize and make room for another baby in approximately 11 weeks. We are also faced with the challenge of dealing with a loved one with a sleeping disorder that is very misunderstood.... even still by me. Not to mention the ups and downs of him having to be on medication because of it. Questions arise, is it effective? is it being consistently taken? what are the side effects of the chemicals themselves? what are the effects of inconsistent use? are there behavioral things that could help the situation, maybe even more than the medications? Every night i go to bed alone. Then there are some days where i find myself surrounded by God's love and grace that the loneliness diminishes. And sometimes, on those days, I beat myself up because i don't stand, live, breathe in that love and grace daily. Seriously, ..... a diagnosis???
SO, how much of this is me being selfish? Selfish of my own time? Selfish of my time with my husband? Selfish feelings of being alone- when i'm not really alone at all. Selfish because I know what the answer is or could be and still ignoring God's pull on my heart because i just want to wallow in my feelings of loneliness and want someone here on earth to pull me close, listen with a sympathetic and non-judgmental ear and just hold me through the waves of emotion.
Most days I pull it together. Move forward. Live life. and then some mornings, like today, I let it all come crashing in and allow the arrows and hurts and fears of past, present and future collide.
Today.... is just one of those days.