Saturday, July 24, 2010


I had a bit of time this morning and decided to check on my blog.  Wow.  what i found is that i have A LOT of drafts and only a few published posts.  I tried to think about why.... and as i was thinking about why I realized in just the time it's taking me to type 2 sentences, i've had to put the computer down 3 times.
 1. wipe a butt.
2. break up an argument over a toy.
 3. pick up a fussy baby from his swing.
No wonder i only have a few posts published but A LOT of them started......  maybe i should just publish the half done ones. I mean really, what's more real to life than an unfinished blog?!  :)

Saturday, February 27, 2010

amazingly alone...but not

Being pregnant is an amazing thing. I'm totally in awe daily of what is going on inside my body. What is growing, moving, living and doing something unexplainable every day. Being a mommy is such a humbling experience. the little lives that God has trusted me with sometimes is very overwhelming. the range of emotions and highs and lows sometimes leave me thinking, "should i be diagnosed with some sort of psychological problem??"
well, i feel like this  this morning, i just can't keep it all together. As surrounded as i am by life and completely filled and constantly feeling another life with me, I still feel completely alone. Maybe i do need that diagnosis....
Matt has started an online business that has a tremendous amount of potential but I wonder most days about how we're going to feed our kids in the short term. How is rent going to be paid. So, usually, on most days, I worry and work my tail off- teaching 2 yr. olds, working a medical billing job, teaching piano lessons, helping to lead worship at a church, cooking, cleaning, doing all the laundry, attempting to pay the bills, wiping butts, giving baths, purging out stuff to organize and make room for another baby in approximately 11 weeks.  We are also faced with the challenge of dealing with a loved one with a sleeping disorder that is very misunderstood.... even still by me. Not to mention the ups and downs of him having to be on medication because of it. Questions arise, is it effective? is it being consistently taken? what are the side effects of the chemicals themselves? what are the effects of inconsistent use? are there behavioral things that could help the situation, maybe even more than the medications?  Every night i go to bed alone. Then there are some days where i find myself surrounded by God's love and grace that the loneliness diminishes. And sometimes, on those days, I beat myself up because i don't stand, live, breathe in that love and grace daily.  Seriously, .....  a diagnosis???

SO, how much of this is me being selfish? Selfish of my own time? Selfish of my time with my husband? Selfish feelings of being alone- when i'm not really alone at all. Selfish because I know what the answer is or could be and still ignoring God's pull on my heart because i just want to wallow in my feelings of loneliness and want someone here on earth to pull me close, listen with a sympathetic and non-judgmental ear and just hold me through the waves of emotion.

Most days I pull it together. Move forward. Live life. and then some mornings, like today, I let it all come crashing in and allow the arrows and hurts and fears of past, present and future collide.
Today.... is just one of those days.

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Christmas whisper

Seriously! 2 weeks until Christmas!! Wow. This year has been filled with a lot of crazy ups and downs. All of which at some point will probably be blogged about...
One of the "ups" though would have to be experiencing the holiday season with a 2 and 3-year-old excitedly taking in all of the sights and sounds of Christmas. There is everything from seeing the lights around the neighborhood and the girls screaming, "oh it's beautiful. Look Mama, it's CHRISTMAS!!", to the smell of cookies baking and the girls wondering what this wonderful treat is and peeking through the oven glass at the cookies rising and browning right before their eyes. Not to mention the barrage of Christmas specials on a bit too late for sleepy-eyed little girls. But for me, this so far, has brought the most meaning and joy to my heart.  Let me explain. Matt and I have allowed the girls to stay up for a few of our "faborites" and Charlie Brown's Christmas takes the cake on the Holiday shows. I love that it's about the real gift that was sent that very first Christmas. I just love everything about it. The scripture reading. The play they put on. The song they sing. Even the significance of the empty branched Christmas tree but how lovely it looked anyway.                                                
All of that to say, when my sleepy-eyed little girls watched Charlie Brown's Christmas special there seemed to be something that touched their little hearts. Rachael in particular. And interestingly enough, Sammy does the "monkey see, monkey do". But I'm pretty sure she caught something about the heart and spirit behind it all anyway. When the credits were rolling and the last line of the song was being sung by the characters, Rachael crawls up in my lap, takes my face in her little hands and whispers, "Merry Christmas Mommy" and lovingly kisses me. I melt. I say Merry Christmas back to her through tears and then my sweet Sammy (who is hard-core, hard-shelled most of the time) comes over and does the exact same thing. Little hands on my face, seeing that I'm already teary, she whispers, "Merry Christmas Momma" rests her head on me. What treasures, what gifts. 

THIS my friends is the best I will receive this Christmas. 

Monday, November 16, 2009

nothing quite like a giggle

---LG1 = Rachael LG2=Sammy

Waking up in a "chilly" florida house is refreshing. It makes you just want to stay under the covers for a long time but at the same time revives you enough to muster up the energy you need for the day. Well on this particular morning my girls woke up about 7 am and both came into our room crawled in bed with us saying... "my feet are cold"...."i just want to cuddle-bug".... (SO CUTE!)
So we're lying there and Matt gets a phone call from work and he has to go in about an hour earlier than normal to help troubleshoot a tech problem. So he gathers enough warmth and hops out of bed and starts to get ready. The girls and I listen to all the sounds - "oh, that's the water"
"i think i hear his toothbrush" "did he flush the toilet? ... shhh, yeah, i hear it!"
LG1 asks me where Daddy's going. I say he's going to be a superhero today- saving the day for his friends at work! then i say "daddy's my favorite" :) LG1 is getting to the age and stage where competition is fun and she's loving the "play" that comes from teasing. So she says "he's MY favorite" :) So the two of us go back and forth for a few minutes like that as Matt scampers around the room finding clothes and getting dressed and putting shoes and socks on. LG2 finally pipes in - in classic LG2 style...LOUD- "HE'S MY FABRITE!!"
This evokes a brief run from the closet, a jump in the air onto the bed from Matt and a screech from all his girls - when we giggle and laugh and let our surprise be known he looks at the girls and says.... "are you talking about me?? I'm YOUR favorite??" They giggle and say "yes!"
and we tickle and laugh and play for a few more minutes before we wished our SuperHero a good day and we were up and getting our day started.

oh this life!! :)

Sunday, July 19, 2009

why does this life have to be so complicated? Can't we just take people at face value? can't we read a book or poem and just literally take the words on the page without trying to analyze every little thing? What about songs.... why do we look for the craziest, most complicated meaning behind the lyrics and even in the music itself? can't it all just be simple?

So here i am.... in the complicated life. trying to understand the simplicity. Just love and be loved. Just give and receive - not looking for anything else. Just see the rest of the world as inherently beautiful. look for the joys not the heartache. Why is this life so complicated?